Online dating and self-presentation

How many people or friends do you know that date online, whether it’s on apps like tinder or webpages like eHarmony?  And how many of you have a friend that ever lied about something on one of these pages even if it’s a small as a slight difference in height? Making yourself look better on dating sites like this Is called Deception of online dating. I’m sure we’ve all seen an episode of catfish, where the guy thinks that he’s dating a gorgeous girl and when he goes to meet her it turns out to be one of his friends or even another man. The deception of online dating is probably the most reoccurring problem when it comes to the dating process over the internet. I don’t really understand why people do it, I mean I know it’s to look better but it just doesn’t make sense in the long run if you’re trying to find a partner and you create lies about yourself to seem “more attractive”.  I do not have a tindr but when I ask my friends about theirs they describe it as “A place where I keep swiping until I find a random hot girl I can try to hook-up with”. Extra emphasis on the try. Not everyone has this same narrow minded approach but many online dating sites have come down to making your personal image look as good as possible even if it’s fake so you can get an easy hook-up, instead of the original purpose of dating which is to find someone to date and possibly spend the rest of your life with like sites like eHarmony.

Deception of online dating is just one of the ways someone can present themselves. In our reading self-presentation in online dating the mentioned how Self-presentation is “Online self-presenters are often highly motivated to control how other people see them because of the publicness and performance of their self-presentational acts..”  So basically people want to not alter the way they look but only share the good things like “just got into Penn State!”,not “I just had to drop my chemistry class because I failed my first two tests!”  She goes on to say “Highly motivated self-presenters have the opportunity to create flattering self-presentations, that cater to their audiences…”. Basically the more followers they have the more they alter what they post and try to make themselves seem more liked and accepted. It always seems a little silly but this day in age social media and how you present yourself on said networks like twitter and Facebook is becoming a staple society. Trying to date online through social networks is also becoming a popular trend. Although most of the time it’s more commonly used for hooking up with that one girl at the party by “sliding in her dms” instead of dating or talking first.  Times are changing and our hook-up culture is at an all-time high, it just makes me wonder if anyone is still old school and instead of looking for an easy hook-up they look for a nice movie and a girl they can bring home to their parents.

CMC Blog

We all know that there has been a steep rise in online communication since the advent of social media. What interests me is the relationship between online communication and that of face-to-face. The concept of disinhibition states that people communicating online are far more likely to open up and share information they would not otherwise in a face-to-face communication. The anonymity associated with online communication gives participants a certain freedom that allows them to share more readily. Commonly, people feel less judgment and more freedom when the communication channel is leaner. The whole situation is rather ironic to me because computer mediated communication last indefinitely, whereas, face-to-face communication does not. Things said online can be retrieved years, even decades later. Everything from status updates on Facebook, tweets, Yik Yak’s, and instagrams can all be retrieved even after deletion. Once committed to the Internet, all of this information is irreversible and can be grounds for disciplinary action in the workplace. Sadly, all it takes is a single picture to ruin a career. Despite the risks, our social identities have become part of the modern-day friendship.

Gone are the days of pen pals and hand written letters. Today, most people use computer mediated communication to stay in touch with friends despite distance and busy lives. The traditional view of friendship describes a fragile bond between people living within close proximity. Growing up, I was friends with the boys and girls on my street, not because I chose them, but rather because they were close geographically. We rode the bus together in the morning, had classes together at the same school, and even played kickball and other games after doing our homework. When someone moved away, that bond was chicken and more commonly than not dissolved since we were no longer geographically convenient. However, in the modern age the contemporary view of friendship is far more durable. With the advent of computer-mediated communication, friendships can withstand thousands of miles, time zones, and other challenges related to distance.  We have tools such as Facebook and Instagram to share pictures and tools such as Twitter to shared text. In the ever-shrinking world we live in, there is no excuse to fall out of communication with someone.

Studies have shown there are several maintenance strategies that can be employed to effectively maintain online friendships, such as positivity, self-disclosure, providing support, and spending time together. In my opinion, the most important is self-disclosure. As in any relationship communication is vital. As long as there is constant or even semi-constant communication between partners the relationship will maintain strength. Keeping in touch, and having that partner to both provide support and receive support from his vital. Similarly to face-to-face relationships, the power of positivity cannot be understated. The fourth and final aspect of maintaining online relationship is based on spending time together. However if the aforementioned aspects are done regularly, the fourth requirement will already be satisfied.

Despite living in a modern world filled with computer mediated communication, there is not and never will be a substitute for spending quality time face-to-face with a communication partner. Friendships are a difficult thing that needs to be constantly maintained and worked on. They should not be taken lightly nor abused. Good friends are hard to come by.

Evans Blog Post 3

Friends… How many of us have them? Friends… Ones we can depend on… I imagine that most (or all) of us are familiar with these beginning lyrics of the song “Friends” by Whodini. Friendship is an interpersonal relationship between people in which both parties benefit from the relationship. We all, I hope, are fortunate enough to be blessed with good friendship relationships. They are a very important part of our lives, providing us companionship, support, security, and a place to vent. They have certain traits that attracted them to you in the beginning. There are some people in my life that I would consider to be really good friends and some that are questionable. You call them friends for lack of a better term and to avoid any confusion or they show you certain parts of themselves that make you think twice.

I have two best friends that I met in middle school when I was living in Florida. Now I’m here now and they still live there. Fortunately we are still friends and this is in large part because of technology and the bond that was formed before I left. As I mentioned before friends serve many different purposes. You can talk to them about a lot of things, get advice and support for your, sometimes, stupid decisions and ideas, vent to them when your family members are being pains in the ass, or bitch to them about your new friends that piss you off. I serve the same purpose to them as well. This is the reciprocity (ideal) friendship. I think this is one of the reasons why we are still friends. I get a sense of understanding from them.

Another branch of friendship that sparked my interest during lecture was the talk about friends with benefits and about the percentage of people who thought it was possible or not. Friends with benefits is when people have certain advantages or benefits of a relationship without actually having the commitment aspect of a relationship. I am a part of the 67% who have not been in friends with benefit relationships and who think it is a bad idea for people to partake in this. I know people who have been involved in this type of relationship and they have all ended badly.  Someone either develop feelings and wanted to take things further while the other person wanted things to stay the same or someone found a mate and ended the relationship, leaving the other partner alone. I guess this is one of the reasons why I have this viewpoint. I think I would be the one to gain feelings and then not have those feelings reciprocated. I am always trying to protect myself so I will avoid certain situations, this being one of them. Another reason why I don’t think it is a good idea is because I think people should be having sex with people who they are in relationships with. Why is it so easy for people to have sex with anyone these days? Hooking up with a friend or stranger and having one-night-stands seems to be very common these days. I don’t think trying to satisfy your needs is a good reason to risk a friendship over. I value my friendships a lot and there are certain boundaries that do not get crossed. Not to mention risks of getting an STD. I know there is a possibility of getting disease in labeled relationships but in F.W.B. there is no obligation to be exclusive or guilt faced by either person when one is also having relations with other people. The chance of becoming infected is much higher.

In closing, if you want aspects of a relationship, just obtain a relationship and stop being a punk!

How you know your dating someone online vs friends with them

In this day and age everything we do is basically based off of technology, and more specifically social media, whether we realize it or not. You can use it to look things up, keep up to date with current events, and to make and keep friendships and relationships, which is the most common way that it is used.

Social media is one of the main reasons why we stay friends with someone from our past because it allows us to reconnect with them even though we probably haven’t spoken to that person in forever. It is also used to meet new people in the sense that you see someone you like or want to get to know, on any level, all you have to do is send them a friend request and talk to the person, and with that can come a friendship, or sometimes even more serious things such as a relationship.

All these things bring me to talk about the idea of online dating, and when you know you are dating someone online, versus when you are just friends with the person, and my personal experiences. To me when you are dating someone it means that you are expressing your feelings and hanging out with them in some way, and you are always wanting to be with them. When you are just friends with a person you are always wanting to be with them and you are hanging out with them as well, you just aren’t expressing the same feelings. When you say “I love you” to a friend it is quick and it has meaning but the tone is different then when you say it to someone you are dating. Online Dating means that you are having all these interactions I discussed and you act like you are dating, but only through a computer or form of technology. So examples would be facetime, and txt, and phone calls. Usually before you are dating someone you  are friends with them so you add them as a friend on facebook and you share a few posts and comments with each other that are friendly, and not flirty. When interactions become more flirty you can kind of say you are dating, but you never really know if you are dating someone online or friends with them unless you discuss it, or even sometimes make it official by posting that you are in a relationship. From my experience, even if I was attracted to someone online that I knew, and we were friends, it always stayed that way, and never became a relationship because it is very hard to date someone, especially online because you and the significant other are not seeing each other, so your interactions via technology may be nice, but you never know how you would act in person. Also it is very hard to actually grasp what someone is feeling or the way they intend to say something when it is through technology, so an “I love you” from a friend or a partner, that is said online, to me will always have less of a meaning then one that is said in person.

Moral of the story is that, even though you may think you are dating someone online and you could very well be, because it could be very clear, be careful because the person could be shady and telling you one thing while doing another for example. Also from my own personal opinion, I would prefer to meet someone face to face and define what type of relationship you have, even though that is hard and sometimes awkward, because then it is one thousand percent clear if your dating or friends since they are telling you things and you are hearing it from their mouth with your own ears, and the only shadiness would be if the person lied to you, which is messed up and difficult because you should not mess with a persons feelings.

Online Dating Self-presentation- Sami Taylor

                I hate to admit it but I love Tinder. When I’m bored in class I go on tinder. Before I go to sleep I check it. Sometimes when my girlfriends get together, someone says, “Look at this hot guy I matched with on Tinder”. Every time I get a match or a message it’s a little compliment to me. I think Tinder ties into our discussions and readings about Self-Presentation and online dating because it’s almost completely based on looks (and possibly a few misleading fun facts).

                Tinder seems like it is an app that’s exclusively for hooking up with people close by but I have a few friends that have actually gone on dates with Tinder matches and one friend that’s currently dating a guy she met on Tinder. But for the most party I would say Tinder is for “hookups”. But it’s different from other dating sites because there are minimal details on your profile. All you can see is 1-6 pictures, age, background info, your mutual friends, and their “about” message. Even though you could post meaningful information on your “about” section, most people post weird anecdotes or quotes that have nothing to do with them or their personalities.

                In our reading “Self Presentation in Online Dating” the researchers defined impression motivation as an online dater’s motivation to control their profile self-presentation. They continued to explain that the purpose of self-presentation is to “aid in the fulfillment of personal goals.” Then what are the personal goals of dating? The point of online dating is to create some type of personal relationship. When it comes to impressions online, I think we tend to focus on misrepresentations. But in a study researching managing impressions online, almost all participants reported they accurately represented themselves but many came to the consensus that the their representations were polished versions. I would agree with this and I think it’s more important to take note of the type of website or application people are using. Different apps and sites usually show different purposes. For instance a guy I meet on Match.com versus a guy I meet on 3nder versus a guy I meet on Ashley Madison will all probably have totally different profiles, goals, and intentions. I think this is because different websites usually attract people based on different relationship goals. If I was on match.com, I might post something about my life goals and my family and a picture of me that is very similar to what I look like day to day because on match.com I would be looking for a relationship and someone with similar interests. But on Tinder, the point is to find a random person to hook up with, so no one really needs to know anything about me, just how attractive I am. So I only post pictures where I’m dressed up and have makeup on. My “about sami” section says “Just tindering my way through life. If you don’t like Chipotle don’t talk to me”.

In conclusion I would say that self presentation is very dependent on  relationship goals and also what website or applications your using.

Social Media, Friends and Online Dating

Nowadays with all of our fancy technology, almost everyone has a profile on some sort of social media website. We are also always connected to these profiles with our smart phones and laptops. We can never completely get away from these social media sources. This can be good or bad depending on how you look at it. It is good for people to stay in touch with distant friends and family. This is an example of the contemporary view of friendship because the contemporary view is that friendship is flexible and mobile whereas the traditional view is that friendship is fragile. This is because, for example, before all of this social media stuff became popular when your friends would move away you couldn’t really be friends with them anymore because you had no way to communicate with them. I know when I was in second grade one of my best friends moved from Pennsylvania to Arizona and we were forced to communicate by occasional phone calls and the mail. This is a hard way to keep a friendship. We never saw each other and eventually we just stopped talking and we weren’t friends anymore. Now with social media websites like Facebook you can easily communicate with people anywhere in the world. Social media can be used to keeping friendships but can also be used as a form of online dating.

Everyone has groups of friends. For some people one of the groups could be online friends. People meet in chat-rooms or just on social media websites and they become online friends. Some people’s relationships progress even further and that’s where online dating comes in. There are millions of people that use online dating websites, but you don’t have to use an online dating website for it to be considered online dating.  Social media websites make meeting and dating people online possible. To date online there has to be a huge level of trust. This is simply because you don’t meet the person in person so whoever you meet could be lying about anything. When someone lies about anything on his or her online dating profile it is called the deception of online dating. They could lie about something as little as changing their height by a few inches or they could totally lie and have a fake profile where the profile shows it is some gorgeous female when really the profile belongs to a man. You never know these days. It doesn’t make sense why people would lie about themselves if they’re looking for a significant other, but many people do.  This is one of the disadvantages of online dating. When people date via a social media website, say Facebook or Twitter, it can be a little trickier. Those social media sites are not for dating so actually dating on them can seem a little odd, but one of my friends did it. She somehow met her current boyfriend on Twitter. He messaged her on twitter and their relationship was strictly tweets then it became text messages until she got the courage to finally meet this guy in person. They had to trust each other that they were first of all real people and not lying about their entire profiles and then they had to trust each other that they weren’t lying about any of the little things. They had to trust that the pictures they posted were real and not edited and other things like that. For them it worked out, but other people might not be so lucky. Overall, online dating can be a hit or miss kind of situation. It all depends on your level of trust.

                             

Jacob Longley

The Happy couple’s post is when people in insecure relationships rapidly post statuses that portray them to be in an exceptionally happy relationship. This is done when the relationship is less than ideal, and a member of the relationship tries to reassure themselves of their relationship by posting statuses about how happy they are. I can relate to this very well, because I am in a long term relationship, and have seen many of these “happy couples” come and go. I have also even seen long term relationships that are essentially broken attempt to keep afloat with the use of happy couple’s posts. For example I have a friend that goes to school in North Dakota and his girlfriend who attends school in Pennsylvania has cheated on him several times sense he has left. This is no secret to him or anyone else that knows them. Of course everyone assumed that the relationship was over and grabbed a bag of popcorn to watch it all unwind on Facebook. Instead we saw post after post of how happy and in love they are. This is extremely counterintuitive when you would expect heartbroken and grievous posts after such a detrimental occurrence in their relationship. This is obviously them compensating for the shortcomings, and lack of “happiness” in their relationship. This was done not only to convince themselves that they were perfectly happy in their relationship, but also to convince others that nothing was wrong and they were happy to be together. These post occurred rapidly, were lengthy, extremely wordy, and of course annoying. If you were to compare the frequency, length, and content of these posts to other couples who are in long term stable relationships you would find that these stable couples post far less frequently, are much shorter in length, and are not painfully wordy. After all TRULY happy couples have nothing to prove to anyone including themselves.

Just like at a family dinner or business meeting there certain rules and norms to follow about what you say and how you act. Just because you are online, you must still abide by these social norms. Facebook Rules and etiquette are the social norms of acceptable posts, and actions that are appropriate while on Facebook. In the same way you would not stand up and tell the class about the infection in your big toe, Facebook is not the place to share your details or photos of such a thing. People often fail to realize that being on Facebook is a social situation where you actions reflect upon you both positively and negatively. My personal rule of thumb for Facebook is to not post or comment anything that I would not say out loud, or show in a large class room. We have all seen people who could benefit from this rule when they post rants, inappropriate photos, talk about their boss, and make racial statements. These actions can and will reflect upon you personally and could have very real consequences in the real world for example, a fight, breakup, or getting fired from your job. Not to mention that all 900 of your Facebook friends will see it, and will judge you for it. The online social world is no different in terms of social behavior and etiquette than is standing up in CAS 283 and speaking to the class.

Jeffrey Blog 3

In today’s society, having some form of online social presence is considered a norm. Whether it is Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or other social media sites, most of us can be found online. Some people use these networks as a way to date through the Internet. Others use social media as a means of communication with distant friends or family members more effectively. Not everyone presents his or her life exactly as it is. For example if I got a bad grade, there would be no reason for me to post that on social media, letting everyone know how poorly I did in my class. Also, if I were cut from a sports team, I would not want others to be informed. This is where online self-presentation comes to play, which is when people may choose how to present themselves to others and decide what to disclose about themselves. When something exciting or important happens to me, I do not mind telling my friends and family on this social websites about it. However, if something negative occurs I prefer to keep that to myself or only disclose this information to really close friends. Therefore I would not post it on social media for everyone to see and know about bad grades or how I got cut from a sports team. Same way as people that are ashamed of their height, weight, age, etc. prefer not to post the truth about them in dating profiles.

            A problem that people need to be aware of when going on online dating sites is the idea is Identity play. Identity play, the notion that anonymity of computer mediated communication frees people to experiment with different aspects of their identities and to pretend to be different from whom they are offline, allow a user to lie about who he or she is. For example, a friend of mine, who is gay, went online and pretended to be a girl on Facebook to talk and flirt with friends he thought were attractive. He talks to one person in particular for months pretending to be a girl; he then planned a meeting with the guy, while still pretending to be the girl. When he got there to the meeting place, the other guy was so furious, he stabbed my friend to death. On social sites we have to be careful, it is easy to pretend to be someone else, and people tend to lie to get others to like them. When anonymity comes to play it makes it even easier. When it comes to meeting strangers online, people should be very cautious about whom they are talking to or meeting, to protect ourselves from getting hurt, since not everyone tends to tell the truth.

            Online interaction makes so that everyone is connected, it has many advantages, like connecting old friends or family members, but at the same time it does has many disadvantages. Some people prefer to lie and trick other for their personal amusement, or for their own benefit, that is why we should always be aware and very careful about what we post and who we talk to online. 

Deception in Online Dating

With online dating becoming a major way of connecting with a potential partner, there are bound to be some flaws to it. Over 40,000,000 people have used online dating, all of which have had various results. Of these people though, how many have actually provided the entire truth about themselves without altering a couple little facts? In a study conducted with 80 online dating profiles, about 81% lied about a physical trait such as height, weight, or age. People could lie about anything from their careers, to their marital status, even as far as where they live.  This is what is called deception in online dating.

It becomes a question of “why would people lie about themselves?” The answer however, is actually pretty simple. If you are standing with four of your friends trying to attract some girls, but all of your friends look more attractive than you, how do you expect to win over one of those girls? The same concept applies to online dating. If most other people lie about themselves on an online dating website, people will believe that it makes it harder for them to find someone if they don’t lie themselves. This eventually creates a downhill spiral that gets out of control.

In an L.A. times article, a woman met up with someone who was not who they said they were. It talks about a woman’s personal experience with meeting someone online and how she found out he was lying about everything. The man sent various pictures that weren’t of him, and when they met in person, the woman had no idea who he even was. They conversed for about 3 weeks, so when they met, the woman was furious. Although this is a severe case, the concept is most definitely the same. I found a video of people talking online and meeting up, but when they met up, one of them wore a fat suit. When it was a woman who wore a fat suit, the responses seemed very negative. Reactions varied from just surprised, but continuing the date, to some people even getting up and just walking away. When a guy wore the fat suit though, most girls were more accepting of it. They gave the man a chance and didn’t just immediately shut him out like the guys did to the girl.

Regardless of whether people lie or not, you will never know until you meet them in person. As you give people the option to virtually recreate themselves, they can take advantage of it. And for the most part, people would assume lying is bad, but sometimes maybe it isn’t. Small lies about height and age probably wouldn’t make or break a relationship that was created and developed through texting or internet communication.

L.A. Times Article: http://www.latimes.com/style/laaffairs/la-hm-affairs-20140927-story.html

Video: Girl: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2alnVIj1Jf8&noredirect=1

            Guy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUy3_kBme4M